From the spiritual to everyday family lifeThe term ‘Conscious Parenting’ comes from Dr. Shefali Tsabary, who specializes in conscious and mindful family and conflict work. For Shefali, it is important that we separate our inner from the material in order to be less at the mercy of the pressure and stress of everyday life. And also to see our children as more than the sum of their actions and successes. Conscious Parenting is based on the theory that there is a child inside all of us trying to get along with the world. And that our children are WHOLE just the way they are and carry endless potential within them. Sounds very spiritual, but it is a mindset that can help us in all everyday situations.
Conscious Parenting: 8 tips for more mindfulness
#1 Perceive children as independent persons
If we try to see our children as they are, as a person with all their facets, it can take a lot of pressure and negative feelings from us. Because instead of thinking “Why can’t he just…” or “How can I make her…” we can first take an emotional distance. To then observe: “What does my child need from me right now?” and “How can I support it?”. For lots of tips and sentences for classic everyday situations, take a look at Strengthening resilience.
#2 Listening instead of talking
Like respectful and mindful parenting, conscious parenting is about listening. By withdrawing more often and being responsive to our children, we perceive their feelings, thoughts, and actions in a very different way. Namely as that of an individual person who may have a completely different polarity than ourselves. Then it may well be that we suddenly find a new solution together that we would not have come up with on our own. And which gives our child exactly what it needs right now. In any case, we show our child that it is important and that it is heard when we fully engage with it.
What other parenting styles are there? Here are the 8 most common:
#3 Look for solutions within ourselves
A central point of conscious parenting is that as parents we go within ourselves and classify our own thoughts, feelings, and reactions. What triggers us about how we raise our children? Or how it reacts? Most of the time, the answer lies in our own past. Most of us have very strong feelings about our own childhood, upbringing, and relationship with our parents. Either we follow the patterns of our parents or we really want to do better/differently. Perhaps we are still trying to “do them justice” with our actions. This can happen consciously or completely unconsciously.
#4 Recognize your own triggers
It can often be the case that the major educational issues are quickly clarified (e.g. non-violent upbringing, no time-outs). But the comparatively insignificant everyday situations then catch us completely cold. For example, when we suddenly realize that, despite good intentions, we cannot remain calm during tantrums, but suddenly become angry ourselves. Or our crying child makes us cry ourselves.
Conscious parenting is about recognizing such situations and going within ourselves. It is not uncommon for us to recognize with a start, “ Argh! I sound like my mother!” or remember a situation in which we felt helpless and misunderstood as a child. Of course, that doesn’t make our parents the scapegoat for everything, nor do we always have to act “perfectly” ourselves. But if we recognize our own behavioral patterns and their causes, we can actively work on them.
Do you want more from Dr. Listen to Shefali Tsabary? Here is her Ted Talk on Conscious Parenting and how we parents can empower our children:
#5 Take your time
Instead of rushing through our daily routines and making quick decisions for our kids, we can remind ourselves more often to take our time. Here, too, the mindfulness idea comes into play: notice what is happening, and how your child is reacting. And use the time during routine actions to bond with your child. In moments when they have our full attention, our kids not only recharge their batteries but also build up their self-confidence and resilience in the long term. Good opportunities to bring more mindfulness into your everyday life are above all care moments, which we often simply pull through on autopilot, especially when we are pressed for time:
- when changing
- while dressing
- whilst brushing one’s teeth
- while cooking
- during dinner
#6 Lower expectations
Far too often, as parents, we have too high expectations of our children – and of ourselves. And this usually happens quite unconsciously, after all nobody thinks: “Today I am asking far too much of my child!”. In difficult situations, it can therefore help if we take a moment to look within ourselves and ask ourselves: “Are my expectations too high right now?” Yes, of course, your four-year-old can take off his shoes and put them away himself, but does he HAVE TO TODAY after he’s exhausted from a bad day at daycare?
Your two-year-old knows very well not to throw her food. But maybe she’s just overwhelmed because grandma is visiting, who she hasn’t seen in a while? By adapting our expectations and reactions to the situation, we can save ourselves and our kids a lot of stress. That doesn’t make us inconsistent, it makes us empathetic. And shows our children that we notice them.
#7 Show flexibility
Of course, the same applies to ourselves: maybe today is just not the day when we can reconcile everything. When we acknowledge this, we can make more conscious decisions that strengthen our parent-child relationship. Because instead of blaming ourselves internally, we simply check off the situation and have a clear head for our children.
Then today there is pizza on the sofa instead of steamed broccoli at the fully set table. Or a 5-minute shower instead of the planned bath for the kids (or survive another day without both). Changing the plan doesn’t make us weaker parents, it helps us keep track of ourselves. And by exemplifying flexibility, we show our kids how they can master such challenges themselves. You can find even more great tips on this under Lazy Parenting.
#8 The Bigger Picture – see the big picture
One of the central questions we ask ourselves as parents is how we can make our child fit for the future: build resilience, strengthen self-confidence, and promote independence and strength. The main idea of Conscious Parenting is to consciously detach oneself from the material, the externally imposed factors. And not to see “setbacks” as such, but as an opportunity for our children to develop further. For example, a bad grade of B. indicates that our child may have other interests/talents. And so loses its negative side. By seeing our child as a finished person and not as a project to be worked on, we model the qualities we most want in them.
Stress test: How stressed is my child?
Image source: Getty Images/ Halfpoint
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